You are an idiot. You have a HUGE teenage fanbase who have made you all your money. You're FIFTEEN. Stop trying so hard to find adult roles, and milk the hell out of the teen ones while you still can! You've got all the time in the world when you actually ARE an adult to PLAY an adult. But once you're in your late thirties trying to play a highschooler, we're all going to think you are pathetic and make fun of you. This is the nature of life: First you are a baby, then a child, then a teenager, then an adult. No going backwards, always forwards, until you are old and nipped and tucked and botoxed into complete immobility. Be a teen. The adult stuff will wait.
Sincerely,
Kira
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Dear Angelina
If you're going to be a homewrecker, at least have the balls to marry the guy. While you're busy teaching your children to save the world, don't forget to teach them how to destroy marriages and families like you did. Furthermore, children are not "collectibles". If you want to own a group of ethnically diverse little people, go buy "It's A Small World" from Disneyland. Being adopted is hard enough, but to be completely removed from your own heritage, and to grow up having no one around who looks like you and shares your particular quirks is like living as a robin among wrens. Just because something walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - that don't make it no damn duck. Last, but not least, maybe try putting your unborn baby (babies?) ahead of your own selfishness, k? Flying a plane in your last trimester - Not Good. Not eating while preggo so that you maintain your skeletal figure - also Not Good. Collecting children like baseball cards and then pawning them off on a nanny so you can go have your picture taken with someone elses children on the other side of the world - Your priorities are fucked up. Are you a humanitarian? Maybe. Or maybe you're just faking it so that the fans who foot your paycheck will forgive you for being such a tramp. Remember, just because the SCRIPT says you sleep together, doesn't mean you have to do it in real life.
Sincerely,
Kira
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Dear Britney Spears:
Step away from the... Everything. Get a big glass of water, lock yourself in your room, take two aspirin and call me in the morning. If you and your family were any more Walmart, you'd have a big white star lodged up your ass. Buried somewhere under all the Back Country Trash is actually a measure of talent. Find it. Nurture it. Because your only other choices are Professional Has-Been or Burger Flipper. Come to Canada - I'll teach you all about the wonders of Magic Cream for your most famous asset, and all this fresh mountain air will clear the Crazy right outta your head. Reality called, it misses you.
Sincerely,
Kira
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Dear Ms. Marla Maples:
You're old. Get over it.
Sincerely,
Kira
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