Thursday, 23 October 2008

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

I had someone whom I consider to be very close to me say some very hurtful things today. The issue wasn't so much what was said, as how and why. If a sensitive topic must be broached with someone you love, there is a time and a place for that. The time is NOT during the busiest time of the day, and the place is NOT a public space in the middle of a crowd of peers. Choosing the latter options simply adds undue humiliation to already harsh and nonconstructive criticism.

Why? Why say hurtful things at all? Yes, sometimes the truth hurts but needs to be said. But what if the hurtful thing is just an opinion? Worse yet, what if the hurtful things are an opinion based on very few facts, some misinformation, and a generally incomplete knowledge of the situation? What is to be gained then? Is it worth hurting someone in your life just to "get it off your chest"? Are there people in this world who think that hurtful words and actions are going to be the key to changing people they feel are making mistakes in their lives? Or is it more selfish, the adult version of "I'm better than you"? Surely such hurtful things could not have been said for purely altruistic reasons. Such things go beyond bloggity snark, beyond nameless, faceless interweb opinions. They head straight for the heart, and lodge themselves there in all their weighty glory.

I fail to see the benefit in being the recipient of such a monologue. Yes, I have examined what was said. All day long, I've been examining what was said. I do not agree. I know my life, I know my family, and I know what's in my heart. Nowhere in any of it did I find anything to lend merit to what was said. However, the hurt remains. The unnecessary hurt. What was done was not helpful, nor was it beneficial in any way. Alas, it IS done. All that's left is how to deal.

This is a flawed world, and I am a flawed person. Perhaps, in the views of some people, I am fatally flawed. We are all flawed. We alone decide which flaws we can change, which ones we choose to change, and which we must simply accept. In turn, others can decide if the perceived flaws of a person are worth putting up with to have that person in their lives. Sadly, it would seem I am not acceptable as-is. Even more sad - all the other relationships that stand to lose out because of this.

For that, I am deeply sorry.

In my life - I choose love. In my family - I choose love. In my heart - I choose love.

Perhaps it is not I who is so fatally flawed.

9 comments:

Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails said...

Hey Kira I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

One of my favorite quote ever is never cry over someone that would not cry over you.

Keep your head up and do what is best for YOUR family.

Jen said...

I ditto the above commenter, and send you some cyber hugs.

cyberjock42 said...

I'm sorry this happened to you. I think you hit the nail on the head, though. Some people never "grow up" past the playground mentality. You know your heart, and if someone else chooses not to, it is there problem, not yours. Were you able to share your point of view, or did this person just let you have it and walk off? Either way, I'm sorry. God Bless,
Stacy

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about that. I had a similar thing happen a couple of weeks ago and still hurts. I almost wish I could cut and paste your note and send it to the person (b/c you say it so well!) but for whatever reason some people just think they're entitled to be judgemental and ensure the world knows their views. Sad for the hurt this person caused you but mostly sad for them - such types will find themselves very lonely with their opinions.

AFRo said...

Seriously? I wish I knew a little more about the situation so that I could delve out some famous AFRo words of wisdom, but obviously you've shared what you're comfortable sharing.

So, I'm going to ditto your first commenter and remind you that words can only do harm if you allow them to.

AFRo said...

Seriously? I wish I knew a little more about the situation so that I could delve out some famous AFRo words of wisdom, but obviously you've shared what you're comfortable sharing.

So, I'm going to ditto your first commenter and remind you that words can only do harm if you allow them to.

Herb of Grace said...

Dang, I'm sorry. I know I'm a rotten lurker most of the time, but had to break radio silence again and offer some empathy. I just went through something similar recently. It sucks, it really does.

Kira said...

Thanks everyone. I can't tell you what it means to me to open up my heart like this and have random internet strangers leave me comment love.
You guys are awesome. :)

Melodie said...

Kira, I know just how you feel. I had something similar happen to me last Thanksgiving. Luckily, it wasn't completely public, but I was extremely hurt by the things that a beloved family member had to say to and about me. I was so shocked by her words and actions, that it took me a few days to completely process it all enough to know what to do about it. I even went to therapy over it. Luckily, the therapist was able to help me see that I was not the one with the problem, and I was abloe to move on with my life. Unfortunately, my relationship with the person, as well as the person who started the whole thing, will never be the same again. The trust is gone now.

I hope you can get over this offense much sooner than I did mine. ((Hugs))