I'll trade you two testicles for an ovary

Well, if you're wondering why you haven't heard from me lately, it is because The Daddy has arrived on leave. Hee hee.

In other news, today we traded gender roles! He fixed dinner while I played plumber. Dinner was great, I'll let you know how my plumb job holds later.

I went back to the gym today after two long weeks of being lazy housebound during March Break. I hurt. I barely made it through my workout. I can't wait to go back tomorrow!

My hair is red. I loooove it so much. I'll post pics soon, right now it's not got any product in it and I've worked up quite a 'fro. Note to self: Curly hair + short haircut = rather believable sheep impression. Yeah. Not good.

Bordom - not curiosity - killed the cat

Have you even been really bored, so you go on Craigslist to tool around? And then once you've run out of sections of CL that interest you to look at, you start to look at the non-interesting categories? Have you ever clicked on the "Casual Encounters" tab?

No? Then DON'T.

Furthermore, do NOT click on any ad therein with a pic attached. Just DON'T.

I did. That is where I learned the following:

1. Somewhere, someone has a fetish for EVERYTHING. I understand the dress-up ones, but used maxi pads? Defecation? Hemmoroids? I have been schooled.
2. "Before Work" is the most popular time for a BJ.
3. Some of the men in my area should be porn actors.
4. Most of the women should not.
5. You really can tell the fake boobs from the real ones. Huh.
6. Pregnant women are in surprising demand.
7. The ferry from here to the mainland is just one big orgy on water. I'll be staying in my car from now on.
8. "Young" is mid-30's.
9. A suspicious number of posters seem to be "just passing through".
10. If you can host - you can have anything you want.

I'm actually a little alarmed. I go out into the town, and all these people are just walkin' around, acting all normal... Now I know that when the lights go out, the freakshow begins!

Me, as a (temporary) blonde

Now don't go getting used to this, it's just phase 1. Phase 2 is adding the red!
(See? I TOLD you all it was short. I look like a boy.)

Maybe I should have put makeup on...

Back at it!

Craigslisting, that is. I thought I got rid of all my unnecessary junk. I was wrong.

Wish me luck!

Green things

For some reason, we don't have any dandilions around here. Isn't that strange? Instead, we have wild daffodils. Did I mention that these were my absolute favorite wild flowers? They are my absolute favorite wild flowers. :) The girls have been picking them for me by the handful.

Anyone need any basil? This stuff must be a weed, the way it grows. It's insane! I forsee much pesto in my future... At least my kitchen smells nice. :)

I don't know what kind of bean this is, but it is MASSIVE. The girls found it outside on our front lawn. So of course I put it in some water! I hope it's a magical beanstalk that will take care of my financial worries forever... It has a picture of a tyrannosaurus-rex on it though, I hope that's not alluding to anything.

These little babies are spruce trees! I grew them from actual SEEDS. Aren't they adorable? I can't believe a tree as big as a spruce grows from such little bitty seeds. These have to be watered twice a day, they just suck up water like you wouldn't believe. But they're so cute, I just fawn all over them all day.

My black thumb must be turning green! Stuff is GROWING for me! Mmmm, oxygen. ;)

'Stupid' squared

Anyone got a spare crate I can borrow? Say one from a mid-sized dog? I have two little THINGS I need to lock up.

I am very. very. irritated.

They clogged up my sink AGAIN. Yesterday, I had to take apart all the pipe-y things underneath to clear it out, and I broke one so it was leaking... Then today it's clogged up again. I refuse to call a plumber. Plumbers cost money, and I don't have $70 to blow each time those two THINGS decided to plug the drain with toilet paper.

Thus, I will be taking apart the sink AGAIN tonight.

Then, I will be fixing the leak. With Mighty Putty.

Then, I will be barricading the bathroom door. And putting a lock on it. And an alarm. Maybe a guard dog.

I am very. very. FRUSTRATED.

'Scuse me, I have to go bang my head against a brick wall. Repeatedly.

Nom nom nom...

Tonight I made homemade chili for the first time EVER. By myself. It was goooood. Mmmm, I love me some kidney beans. No anemia here tonight! The kids had a spaggetti dinner at their friend's house, but when they came home they asked for some chili anyway - and ate a whole serving each! The baby loved it so much he didn't even bother smearing any on himself.

I also made fresh rolls.

Oh yeah.

Next stop: Ontario?

We've always known that where we are living is only temporary. With the base we are on being primarily Navy, and The Daddy being Army, there is simply nothing here for him to do. Realistically, we're here only until springtime 2010. That is when The Daddy returns from Afganistan and subsequently becomes superfluous to this area. In fact, he subsequently becomes superfluous to this half of Canada. He's been asked, more than once, to accept a teaching position (within the military) at the same base in Ontario where we met. This would mean a few things for our family:

1. He'd be teaching, and therefor working normal hours, coming home every night at the same time, not going away for extended periods, I wouldn't have to worry about him being blown up. He'd have a regular job but in green pajamas.
2. I have lots of friends and family there. Aunts, cousins, a grandmother, Samanamanamantha, my oldest friend in the world Amanda (not that she's old, I've just known her longest. She's young. And pretty. And I think I'd be there in time for her wedding... Manda? Yes?) Ali, Jen, Erin, Tracy, and the rest of the NLP - Good times. Basically, I'd have much more of a support network there than here. Even my little bro would be a mere car ride away, at the next base over with his fiancee (by then, wife).
3. Cheaper housing market. We could afford to buy instead of throwing our money down the pooper by renting.
4. We could be in the same place for many many years - maybe forever. The kids could have roots and we would finally feel "settled".

Yes, I'd be moving away from my mom, dad, and other bro (and various other family that migrated to BC). That makes me sad, but when stacked up against everything we'd be gaining... Well, I feel compelled to put my family first. My family is myself, my husband, and our kids. The Daddy and I feel like this is the best decision for us despite the downsides. So, he's accepted the teaching position, and failing that falling through or them deciding they desperately need him here - that's where we'll be going.

I don't know why I bothered taking anything out of boxes.

No, it's not a metaphor

*Ring Ring!*

Me: Hello?
Friend: Hey. Whatcha doin'?
Me: Washing my basil.
Friend: "..."
Me: No, really.
Friend: Oh. Well... Ok. Bye...
Me: "..."

*click*

(Fruitflies had laid eggs on my basil, and I don't want to use bug killer on food - so I washed them off with water. What? I thought that was genius! Little buggy bastards.)

Please don't fall out, please don't fall out...

And so it begins. I'm sitting here with a scalp full of hair lightener, hoping it doesn't turn out day-glo orange like last time. I tried a new brand, and I'm going to live as a blonde for a few days until the pH in my hair settles down again before going red. Keep your fingers crossed. I'll post a pic after my shower. Be prepared.

Did I tell you all that I had to hack off a good portion of my hair? I did. See, I went and got it cut just to trim up the ends and layer it a bit, and the CRAAAAZY hairdresser... Well, she had other plans. She literally started lifting up handfuls of my hair and hacking out random clumps! I was a little paralyzed by the mounds of hair falling away from my head. It was like when Homer tried to cut Marge's hair on The Simpsons. Not good. I didn't dare ask her to fix it, I'd've ended up bald for sure! So, I had to go to another hairdresser at a different salon to try and salvage some kind of a hair-do out of it. C'mon, I looked like an electrified poodle having a bad hair day. I cried. Anyway, now my hair is pretty freaking short (not even bob length!) and it makes me really sad. Saved a bit of money on hair dye though, as I only need one box now. Sigh. Just keep that in mind when I post pics, ok? This is NOT the hairstyle I want! Def. a hair-don't. But maybe some really awesome colour will distract from that. Man I wish I still had enough length left for a ponytail. :(

Ok. Deep breath. Off to check the process! Be kind!

I have... A synopsis:

"Breasts everywhere finally find a voice in this satire that will (hopefully) make women nod their heads and men want to read along - despite the lack of pictures. It's a glimpse into the secret life of mammaries that speaks to the boob in us all."

Would this make you pick it off the shelf?

NaNoWriMo ME TOO!

(Whomever it was on NBBC that had the link to NaNoWriMo in their siggy, I am eternally indebted to you. Now come be my friend over there!)

I have joined an online community of people who each pledge to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. There's even a chapter (lol, "chapter") that meets in my area! However;

I have no plot.

I have no characters.

I have no previous experience.

But I do have determination. Plus, they say it doesn't have to be any good, as long as it's 50, 000 words. In fact, they say it will PROBABLY be very bad, and that's just how it's supposed to be.

This is gonna be GREAT!

(To check it out, click on the pic.)

He's a real fun-gi

I'm watching a documentary on fungi. I don't even like mushrooms.

- but -

there's a really cute little cartoon mushroom guy that pops up every now and then with interesting fungus facts, and it's very cute and makes me giggle and that is why I'm watching a documentary on Fungi.

Even though I don't even like mushrooms.

The Results are In:

The "Choose My Haircolour" poll is now closed. Red won, with 60% of the vote.

I can only get to red via blonde.

I'll post pics so we can all laugh at me together. :)

Cinnimony Fresh

Last night, after the children were nestled all snug in their beds, I finally got around to mopping the floors and getting the stains out of the sofa. I was so looking forward to coming downstairs this morning to clistening floors beneath my feet, and curling up with my coffee on a sofa that was beige once again.

It is apparent that my children had other ideas.

I do appreciate that they can get out of bed and put their own toast in the toaster, but really - do they have to decide on cinnamon toast without telling me? Do they have to hold their toast out in front of them while they sprinkle cinnamon for said cinnamon toast? Do they absolutely have to somehow get cinnamon not only over every. single. square inch. of the kitchen, but leave a trail of it through the living room and up the stairs? I didn't even know we had that much cinnamon. Furthermore, HOW do you manage to smear butter between the inside of the trashcan and the bag??

On the upside, my house smells like I've been baking all day - and I won't gain a pound!

I can't decide if this is gross or not.

While I sort laundry for folding, I weed out anything that the kids have grown out of to give to Goodwill. We finally filled up the second garbage bag today, so it was time for a drop-off. While we were there, we toodled about the store, poking around at what other people had weeded out. Well, Rachel found lemon-yellow bedsheet for 99cents, and she gave me the big pleading eyes until I agreed to get it for her. To be fair, she's wanting to do her whole room in that colour, so I would have had to look for lemon-yellow sheets eventually anyway. But how icky is this, exactly? I mean, used bedsheets. It's just the fitted sheet, and it's in really good condition, but someone else has slept on it. Ok. I can wash it, right? We've all slept at hotels, this can't be any worse than THAT.

And well, it's her - not me.

Opinions? WWYD?

Well, that was easier than I thought.

So I called the gas company today. Finn screamed in the background the ENTIRE time. Of course, by "in the background" I mean "in the ear not occupied by the phone". I don't really recall what was said, but they'll be sending a guy out to hook me back up within the next three hours.

I knew I had that boy for a reason.

Stupid is as stupid does...

So, guess who is just dumber than a bag of dead cats?

I'll tell you! Me! I am dumber than a BIG bag of dead cats! See, the last house I was in was an apartment. The GAS BILL was included in my rent. Therefore, I did not need to worry my pretty little head about it. Now in THIS house, it is evidently not included. Now, WHO do you suppose didn't remember this tidbit of information? WHOO has completely neglected to pay said gas bill since we moved in? WHOOO has not worried her pretty little head about it?

Me, that's who.

And now who has had the gas shut off, and now has no heat - and more unhappily - no hot water?

Yeah.

And who already spent her available funds paying other bills and getting groceries and even splurging on her very VERY expensive brain medicine?

I'll bet you've caught on by now.

It's gonna be a chilly couple of weeks in The Mommy's house.

(I'm sure they sent me bills and even notified me about the upcoming disconnection. See, the problem is I don't actually OPEN my bills, I just look at what I owe online. I should really start opening my mail...)

Hey Nana, make up the guest bed.

Today Lillian told me she is moving to Singapore to live with Nana and Grandad. She even packed her bags. She brought her dress shoes, clean underwear, and an extra pillow. She put some cereal in a ziploc bag to eat on the plane, and counted out her leftover Yen. She figures the 80 or so Yen (less than $1) she has from our stopover in Japan earlier this year should get her a plane ticket from there to Singapore. She was quite upset with me when I wouldn't let her raid my change jar to pay for her ticket from here to there. I told her to get a job. She asked how much money she'd need, and I told her about $4000. She refuses to believe that they won't let her fly by herself so young. She's got it all figured out though. She's going to save her allowance to pay for the cab to the ferry, take the ferry across, and pay for the cab to the airport. She hasn't quite figured out how to pay for the first flight, but she's hoping Nana will call her so she can ask her for a ticket. So Nana, call Lily. She's got something to ask you. And can I please listen in? Well, I really only want to hear Lily's side, it's sure to be one of those moments to remember. Maybe I'll record it for posterity. She decided that she'll write me once a week, but that any pictures of herself she sends are strictly to go to Finnigan. If she wants one to go to me, she'll specify that in her letter. Adios family, ciao school, sayonara friends. Lily's moving overseas.

I wish her well.

She's too precocious for her own damn good.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So I took the kids to McDisgustington's tonight for dinner, as promised. We even went inside so they could play in the even-more-disgusting playplace. They went in and played while I got the "food", and then we sat down in the playroom to eat. While we were eating, this guy at another table looks over and says,



"Your girls are so quiet, how on earth do you do it?"



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I laughed so hard, I'm pretty sure he feared for his children's safety. He sure looked at me like I was deranged. Oh, if only he could spend a day in my life. Turns out he's a single dad with three little girls, and those girls are apparently my girls' soulmates. I told him "Pal, my kids are FAR from quiet. It's only because I ran them like DOGS all day today and threatened to break their little faces if they misbehaved that they're even acting like humans in here. Trust me, your girls are perfectly normal!"



Then I brought them home and bathed them in bleach and hand sanitizer, because those McAwful's playplaces really make my skin crawl.

Migraine Hangover

Well, those were 30 of the worst hours of my life.

I got another migraine. I hate migraines. I loathe migraines. This one included double vision and throwing up into my coffee cup. *gag*

I started feeling headache-y yesterday, but figured it was just that I hadn't gotten enough sleep lately and spent too much time staring at my computer screen. I resolved to go to bed early, but that fell through when I remembered that Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice are on on Thursday nights. Sigh. Priorities, right? I swear I went to bed right after, though.

I don't think I slept at all. The headache became a migraine at some point, and by then you're hooped. I'm totally useless once it hits that point, and even though the medicine is in the hall closet, right across from my bedroom - and right next to the bathroom for water to wash it all down, I couldn't make it. It took supreme effort just to attempt to sleep it off. It didn't work. When my alarm went off this morning, just turning over in bed to hit "off" almost made me toss my cookies. I got dizzy and nauseous. Yay. That was when I decided that March Break was starting a day early. Yes, that's how bad it was. Alas, it's not a good idea to get behind the wheel of a car stuffed with children when you are seeing two of everything, and everything is a little fuzzy around the edges. I finally made it out of bed enough to get my meds. I took my meds. I promptly threw up my meds. I took a deep breath and took more meds. These ones stayed down. I told the kids I had a migraine, and went back to bed. Once the meds kick in, I'm lucky if I can lift my own arm, let alone stay upright.

There is one thing I am VERY grateful for, though. I spend a lot of time on here exasperated with my girls. They are the #1 cause of most of my migraines, I think. BUT, when I get one, they really step up to the plate. They were so wonderful today, I was so proud. They really take care of me when I get a migraine. Lily got up, got herself dressed, and then went and got Finn out of his crib. She changed his bum and got him dressed and even made him a poached egg for breakfast! Then she took him into his bedroom, shut the door, and played cars with him for THREE HOURS while I rested. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. That is the sweetest thing, and I just love her to bits for it. The only thing I had to do was put him down for his nap (she can get him out of his crib, but she can't get him back in). She even brought me more meds and a glass of water when it was time. God bless that girl! Rachel, for her part, just stayed the heck outta the way. She got herself dressed and made her own breakfast, then went back to her room, shut the door, and has been watching TV quietly ever since. Not fighting with her sister is just the greatest gift I could ask for.

Once the second round (third, if you count the "returned' ones) of meds kicked in and my world focused enough for me to function, I walked down the street and bought them each a treat as a thank-you. I hugged them and kissed them and told them how much everything they did meant to me and how wonderful they were for it. Then I promised them McDonalds for dinner for being so good, even though the thought of McRaunchy's makes me nauseous all over again... But they sure as hell earned it today!

Now I just have what I oh-so-lovingly refer to as a "Migraine Hangover". Anyone who has had a migraine knows what I'm talking about. They just take all the stuffing right out of you. I'm tired, I'm weak, I'm just beat.

On the upside, there were supposed to be guys here pouring cement into my crawlspace today but they never showed. Praise God. I really don't think I could have handled a cement truck outside my house all day today. I'll have to make them cookies for not showing up when they said they would. That should confuse the shit out of them.

I could just... Cry. Alot.

So, the wonderful marvelous spectacular private school that we drive 40 minutes each way to have the girls attend? They have a two-week March break.

TWO. WEEK. MARCH. BREAK.

This cannot be happening. I NEED them to go to school. It's not just education, it's my sanity!

Ok brain, THINK. They can get jobs. Go to summer camp. Volunteer? Can I loan them out to show childless couples what having kids is REALLY like? Can I chain them up in the attic? Convince them that the crawlspace is a really cool hideout? Forced slavery?

Next year: Boarding School.

Caught strawberry-handed

He doesn't even have the decency to look guilty. He's rockin' the ambidexterous thing though.

I think we've solved the mystery of how the strawberry jam ended up under the table, upside down, with no lid.

Desperately seeking:

1. A really good recipe for white bread, from scratch.
2. A really good chocolate chip cookie recipe, no nuts.
3. A really good recipe for white cake, from scratch. I like my cake on the dense side.
4. A really good recipe for buttercream icing.

Anybody?

I will Big Love you forever

Does anyone else watch the show "Big Love"? I'm totally hooked. If you "Big Love" it as much as I do, leave a comment. I need to talk to someone about it!

(If you want to leave an email address and don't want it published, state that in your comment.)

It's worse than LOLspeak

Do you know how incredibly addictive (fluff)Friends on Facebook are? They are incredibly addictive is what they are is what they are. True story. I spent about a billion hours today with my pet, Squar the Squirl [sic]. I cyber-shopped for him, cyber-pet him, and cyber-fed him until all the cyber-staring at my computer screen made me feel a little green about the edges. Now I want you all to get (fluff)Friends so you can cyber-gift me things. I have no life.

Addictions are a real PITA.

I'm not messy, I'm composting!

I'm new to the world of composting, and therefor I don't have any preconceived notions of how I'm "supposed to" do things. Meaning, I do things my way - which may not necessarily be the right way. I like the idea of recycling, but I don't actually want to have to go through all the trouble of setting up a composter, watching what I put in it so it stays healthy, blah blah blah. My solution - dump all organic matter in the forest! WOOHOO! I keep a big ol' bucket in the kitchen (formerly the "barf bucket" when the kids are sick - don't worry, I cleaned it) and I just dump all our little odds and ends when I'm doodling around in the kitchen into it. Egg shells, carrot tops, wilted lettuce, etc. and then after dinner, the kids take it out to the forest conveniently located just to the left of our house and dump it.



You know what's neat? The garbage doesn't stink anymore. No more rotting food hanging around. You know what else? The forest doesn't stink either. Something magical happens to the food you dump there. Animals eat the big stuff, worms and bugs eat the little stuff, and the rest (and the animals/bugs own "recycling") gets broken down for plant food. I was out there he other day poking around, I lifted up an old eggshell - and there was a flower growing underneath. How cool.



I know one thing - my flower beds are very appreciative of the top-notch soil I've been pulling out of there. Worms and all.

It's a sing along!

Happy Birthday to ME!
Happy Birthday to ME!
Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE,
Happy Birthday to ME!

And yes, I do accept presents. ;)

Mmm, birthday steak

So, in honour of my darling husband getting another year older - I made all his favorite foods. So what if he wasn't here to enjoy them? It's the thought that counts!

We had steak, marinated for a full day in balsamic vineagar, extra-virgin olive oil, red onions, red/orange/yellow bell peppers, fresh basil that I grew by my very own self, garlic, salt, and pepper:

That was BBQ'd with baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and a big ol' salad. Oh baby yeah! Soooo good.

I even made cupcakes last night, but somehow the didn't make it through the day. I'm not really sure what happened there...

Happy birthday sweetie, I love you!

Bah Humbug

So, The Daddy's and my wedding anniversary was March 7th. Do you think I got a nice, candelit dinner for two? No. Do you think I got flowers and chocolate? No. Do you think I even got to see the man I married? That would be no. See, the military is anti-family. They HATE marriages, and want to see them die. This is why they insist on taking husbands and fathers away from their children on important days such as these. BAH. HUMBUG.

Bah Humbug to my mom and dad, too. Do you know that we had this neat thing all worked out, wherein our anniversary is on March 7th, my parents' wedding anniversary was on the 8th, The Daddy's birthday is today - the 9th - and MY birthday (which I ALSO get to spend ALONE) is on the tenth. Well, they had to go and ruin all that by getting divorced now, didn't they? So what if they are happier and better off now, this blog is about ME. So what if it was for the better all around? I told everyone we shoulda gotten married on the 11th. I TOLD YOU SO. No seriously, my parents did what was truly best for them. But they screwed up my run! BAH. HUMBUG.

Bah Humbug to all this snow, too. Do you know that I couldn't take the girls to school today because of all this snow? Yeah. Three days in a row with them. FUN. Not. Then, as soon as the snow stopped, it cleared up and is beautiful out - clear roads and all. Of course, this is the point juuuust after I had decided it was too late to even bother with a half day. Of course. BAH HUMBUG. I'm so glad we're paying tuition so they can sit at home with me. BAH HUMBUG.

STAIN DISDAIN

Let's get one thing straight. I am the undisputed master of the universe in matters of stain removal from fabrics. Or at least, I want to be. I'm already pretty good though. I have started a new blog:

http://staindisdain.blogspot.com

It has no posts yet, as I just started it not three minutes ago. The plan is to deal with every kind of stain you can think of, and tell you how to get it out - for sure. None of this "try this, try that" crap. None of that "put a patch over it" crap. The stains WILL come out. I have yet to be bested by one, and I don't intend to be defeated.

There will be pictures. Oh yes, there will be pictures.

There will be explanations.

We'll learn about Stain Composition (Woohoo, chemistry. Blah.). Know thine enemy. Knowledge is power.

Products will be named, and alternatives if available. We'll discuss how and why they worked, or didn't. We'll boycott the ones that just plain suck.

We'll get dirty. Well, something will get dirty. My kids will probably be at fault.

It will (hopefully) be both educational and entertaining. It will (hopefully) be the be-all, end-all, ulitmate and universal guide to Stain Removal.

Somehow, it will make me lots of money. (Hey, I can hope.)

Your mission is SUGGESTIONS. I'll set up a first post over there for you to leave comments on, and you can submt your suggestions there. From the simple to the obscure - I want it!

Send me your stained and your spotted, your dirty and discoloured, your blotchy and bloodied. I'll find a way to restore it. I won't give up!

How to make lunch:

1. Get hungry.
2. Go to kitchen.
3. Unearth counter from under piles of homework, fliers, permission slips, napkins, bills, scribbled shopping lists, children's art, recipies, and - for some reason - seed packets.
4. Take out bread, which has somehow gone stale since it was purchased yesterday - probably due to the fact that you are the only one who knows how to close the bag.
5. Remove old crumb-covered knife from butter, use new knife to apply butter to bread. Wash both knives and put away.
6. Open peanut butter.
7. Wonder why peanut butter is half full of PAM Cooking Spray.
8. Throw peanut butter in garbage.
9. Open honey instead.
10. Wonder why honey is half full of PAM Cooking Spray.
11. Throw honey in garbage.
12. Throw now-empty PAM cooking spray in garbage.
13. Add peanut butter, honey, and PAM Cooking Spray to current shopping list.
14. Take cold-cut bin out of fridge.
15. Attempt to find cold-cut with no pre-existing toddler-sized bite marks.
16. Throw cold-cuts in garbage.
17. Add cold-cuts to current shopping list.
18. Attempt to locate jam.
19. Find jam upside down under kitchen table, with no lid.
20. Throw jam in garbage.
21. Add jam to current shopping list.
22. Comb cupboards for anything else to put on sandwhich.
23. Give up, take money out of husbands change jar, and go to restaurant.

Maybe I can make a whip switch out of it.

So, I got a willow tree. Or rather, I *ahem* aquired a willow tree. You see, the smaller of the Diva Trees died (the cat did it) and I needed something to take it's place. Willows, being stupendously easy to grow and harder to kill than rocks sounded like a right good choice. Right? Wrong. It all seemed so easy. Go out, cut a couple lenghts of branch of a nearby twisted willow, braid together, jam in damp soil. Waddya know, it grew roots and buds and is thriving. Herein lies the rub. You can't grow a willow tree inside. Well, you can, but sooner rather than later they just take over. Like I say, they grow really easily. Good. Now I have some lovely live sticks in a pot in my living room.

Did I mention that willows shed more than my dang CAT? 'Cuz they do. Messy trees, they are.

Anyway, I've got this really ugly plant thing in a perfect spot on my lawn (a holdover from the last tenents, apparently they have no taste) that I've been absolutely itching to dig up since I got here. So, seemingly perfect solution - dig up ugly plant, insert pretty willow, enjoy! Right? Wrong. Raise your hand if you can tell me what a deer's favorite food is.

I have learned it is willow trees.

Have I mentioned the deer here yet? We have a lot of deer. As in, our side yard is a forest and the deer will come right up onto your back steps if you give them an apple. My aren't our lawn ornaments life-like!

I digress.

I now have a willow tree (read: three sticks stuck in wet soil) that I can't keep indoors, and can't plant outdoors. Stupid tree. Stupid me. Stupid deer!

Product Review: SWHEAT SCOOP

Can we talk Kitty Litter here for a minute? (Of course we can, it's my blog and I do what I want.) Kitty litter is disgusting. Kitty litter in your own house, even more so. But what can you do? The Fuzzy Orange Ball of Stupid that lives here needs a place to poop!

I have the answer - thy name is SWHEAT SCOOP. No, that's not a typo. See, it's made completely of wheat. Most cat litter is clay based, with a host of other chemicals to make it not become slimy and keep it smelling nice. Swheat Scoop is made of 100% natural, totally biodegradable, easily renewable wheat. It's completely flushable in septic tanks and sewers alike, and I swear to you, is entirely odourless. The first time I used it, I immediately noticed that there was no dust kicked up when I poured it in the litter box. No more toxic mushroom cloud that can clog your lungs and burn your eyes while adding fresh litter! Then I tried to smell it. No smell. Unless you stick your nose literally inches from the litter, and then it smells faintly of fresh bread. Not so bad, I say. Even the dirty litter doesn't smell. Now, my cat can clear out a room with the best of us, but once you light a match in there after him - it's done. Kronk took to the new litter with zero issues - it looks and feels just like conventional litter, though it is beige in colour instead of the standard Institutional Grey. It clumps and scoops just like conventional litter, and because it doesn't smell - my kids don't mind scooping! With three of us scooping whenever we're in the bathroom anyway (handily, it's where we keep the litter) no one ever has to do the heavy duty cleaning necessitated by a neglected litter box.

Cons: It's about twenty cents/lb more expensive. Meaning you pay less than two dollars more per big ol' box that lasts my one cat a month. That's it. That's the list of cons.

I seriously will never go back. I want stock in this company. I kind of wish I used a litter box.

Swheat Scoop people, call me. I wanna write your next ad campaign!

Mind your own business, old fart

Dear the snotty old bluehair at the grocery store today:

When my son is saying "Ow", it's NOT because I'm hurting him. He's meowing. Like a cat. That's why he was using that funny voice. That's why I was laughing and tickling him under the chin. That's why I was calling him "Kitty". MYOB lady, Depends are in aisle 4. Isn't it almost time for your meds back at the retirement castle? Don't make me drop-kick you back to your glory days in the roaring '20's.

Sincerely,
The Mommy

Backup! I need backup!

I didn't lose them, I temporarily misplaced them.

The girls, that is. I let them play outside, and they asked if they could go to the park. Fine, ok, that's right beside our house. Yeah, how stupid of me to not specify which park. Rookie mistake! So, dinner's on the stove, the baby is baby-gated in his room, and I'm outside in my sweat pants calling their names like I'm looking for my damn dog. Mother of the year, I am. Well, just as I'm about to load the baby in the car and tour the neighbourhood, who should come marching home? Two VERY GROUNDED little girls. Apparently they mistook the word "park" for "random stranger's house near a completely different park". They're lucky we live in a safe neighbourhood. Apparently they just saw a house with bikes and toys outside, went up and knocked on the door, and asked the woman who answered if she had any kids they could play with!!! :O And then they did!

They are so beyond grounded. We've had the "stranger danger" talks, they've heard the stories on the news about what happens to kids who wander off with strangers, they KNOW better.

I should have asked the woman who brought them home if she'd like to keep them. That or they need shock collars and one of those invisible fence things you use for dogs. Pigeons learn faster than those two.

At least they were getting along for once. It's kind of refreshing to punish them for something other than pounding the everloving shit out of each other/screaming insults at the top of their lungs.

Rachel and I had a good long snuggle the other night, with a big talk about acceptable behaviours, and how you should always be nice to your sister and respect your mama, blah blah blah. I thought I got through to her. Apparently, notsomuch. Sigh. I had the same conversation while Lily helped me make dinner. Intellectually, she completely understands. They both know how they want to be treated, and they both know that mommy doesn't - and never has - catered to the "she started it" argument, and yet something happens whenever they are together at home. At school they are so close, they play together at recess, they share their lunches, they help carry each others' stuff... But at home they are just VICIOUS to each other! I brought it up at the recent parent/teacher conference, and the teachers couldn't believe what I was saying because of how they act at school. They are the best of friends there, and the worst of enemies here. Except that occasionally here they are the best of friends too, until they're not.

Now I don't have a sister, so I've got no frame of reference. The Daddy doesn't have any sisters either (nor is he one) so we're both in the dark on this one. Is this even close to normal behaviour? What am I doing wrong? They have activities that they participate in together, and apart, they're in different grades but the same school, they have overlapping but individual circles of friends, I don't favour one over the other...

If this is 6 & 7, I don't even want to think about the teenage years. I'm going to need stronger medication. The Mommy only has so much will to live, KWIM?

Where's Dr. Phil when you need him?

I had NOTHING to do with it

I just heard on the news that the local economy has enjoyed a 0.6% hike in consumer spending (read: shopping) since the month I moved here.

I swear honey - it's just a coincidence!

I should just shave it all and buy wigs

Lily told me today that she thinks I should make my hair red again (like my profile pic). I've gotta admit, I really love having it that colour. So now I'm torn. Naturally, my hair is a pretty dark, boring brown. Which means that I have to bleach the crap out of it, and then add the red in. Red is the fastest-fading colour, and all that bleach really does a number on your hair. Now, my sadistic hairdresser just whacked off a significant portion of my hair, so my ends are about as good as they're gonna get, but having gone red twice already and then on top of that is all the dye to match my hair back to my roots (so I'm my unnaturally my natural colour again).

I'm torn.

My husband says that if I process my hair anymore, it's all going to fall out. That scared the bejeezus out of me! Has anyone actually had that happen before??? I don't want that to happen, but I really feel that I'm a redhead at heart. I firmly believe in deep conditioning, but there's no fix for falling out!

Thoughts? Suggestions? Wanna come hold my hand?

Red is a pain in the ass to maintain, but really it's the only beauty vice I have. I don't really wear makeup, I do my own mani/pedi's (and my husband's, shhh)... I can keep it up.

Somebody make this decision for me! I've posted pics of both colours before, which do we like best?

And so it begins...

The ba-ba's are going bye-bye. It is time. It was probably time a long time ago, but he still really wanted them, and I didn't see any real reason to traumatize him by taking them away before he was ready. But now it is time, and he's ok with that.

Step one: Restrict bottles to before naps/bedtime. Check!

Step two: Use up remaining 8oz bottle liners. Check!

Step three: Transition to 4oz bottles. Check!

Step four: Use up remaining 4oz bottle liners. In progress.

Step five: Bye-bye bottles!

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. So far, so good.