Waiter? The smelling salts...

Hubby and I went on a date. It was AWESOME. It damn well better've been, we *I* spent $240 on it!

This is probably largely due to the fact that I ordered the Alaskan King Crab legs with a side of the two pound lobster.

Oh, it was good though.

Rachel Says:

Rachel: Uncle Mike, how old are you?

Uncle Mike: I'm 15.

R: How old is Uncle Bear?

UM: Uncle Bear is 19.

R: So he's one more year older than you?

Rachel, obviously, has inherited MY math skills.

And this week's Stupidity Award goes to...

The International Shipping department of my company!!! (For those of you "in the loop", this department is headed up by none other than Finn's bio dad. Wait, forget I said that, because then I'll end up looking stupid by ASSociation.)

We are in Canada. We regularly ship outside of Canada. Apparently, some moron with no more sense than the product he's shipping (cough, cough) decided it would be a good idea to ship product secured to and into crates affixed with Robertson Head screws. Robertson Head screws are not a standard screw outside of Canada, thus, utensils meant for manipulating said screws (IE screwdrivers) are not readily available. As in, they do not exist. So, we've got our product, which is primarily made of GLASS, safely and firmly secured in a way that cannot be undone. Additionally, you can't simply destroy the crating without destroying your shipment along with it.

I don't even want to mention this next part... But I have to. Just remember how much you all like me and that I've mentioned how I'm trying to get away from this company, ok? Please??

The company's solution to this problem... Was to simply send along the required screwdrivers to undo the non-standard screws.

Let's run some math, shall we?

Additional costs to ship screwdrivers: Call it 5 screwdrivers per delivery for recievers/install crew x $5ea for cheap-ass screwdrivers bought in bulk... x the 50 or so jobs we currently have on the go out of country... x the 2-200 deliveries per job, because these people are idiots who can't keep track of an 11'x11' blue aluminum window rack, let alone a screwdriver... I don't want to do that math anymore.

Cost of switching to worldwide-standard FLAT HEAD SCREWS? Oh, that's right! They're cheaper!!! We'd be SAVING money!!!

Explain to me again WHY I got busted down to File Clerk?

I'm sad. :(

Finnigan is weaned. I'm sad. I really liked having our special nursing time, having him all snuggled in and sweet-smelling. Breastfed babies smell SO. GOOD. I loved holding his sleepy little self while he cuddled and nursed. It was something that was just for mommy and baby, and now it's OVER.

*Sobbing*

Obviously, my hormones have not yet regulated.

I'm so proud we made it past 1 year. But I'm really, really sad we're finished.

Public Service Announcement:

Note to those entrusted with the task of naming new breeds of simple machines: Names that are also blatant double entendres should be closely scrutinized before becoming official legal titles. Unless your target audience is STRICTLY the Post-Puberty/Pre-Maturity set, naming something "U-Can Screw-It" may not be the best idea. I couldn't even Google it to get a link without coming up with over 20,000 hits of stuff that is soooo not related to construction.

Just a friendly thought. See that little bump on your face, about an inch and a half past your eyes? That's your nose. Try and think beyond that point next time.

Your friend,
The Mommy

One down, seventeen to go...

I dislike birthday parties. I love my kids, but I dislike birthday parties. I don't like planning them, I don't like hosting them, and I REALLY don't like cleaning up after them. But Finn is ONE, and he deserved a party. So he got one. :) He behaved, and sat there looking cute while the world revolved around him. He stuffed his face, and flirted SHAMELESSLY. It was much like any other day, but with cake. Well, a cupcake cake. I outsourced on the cake, one last thing I had to do! I could have made it better, but that's just between you and I...

I don't get these "super parties" for little kids. I didn't take him and 50 of his closest friends on some epic adventure. He doesn't HAVE 50 friends. He doesn't even know 50 PEOPLE. You know what the worst part is, though? I actually felt like I let him down because we didn't do more. When did a quiet family party at home with cake, presents, and a hearty corus of "Happy Birthday" become somehow... Lacking? Especially for a one year old?!? Just goes to show you how pervasive consumerism has become. I'm starting a "Bring Simplicity Back" movement. I think it's closely related to my ongoing "De-Stigmatize Laziness" movement, but with slightly more work... Simplicity is attractive to the lazy. Doing less equals, well, less to do.

I think when the kids get old enough that their social status is closely tied into how their last birthday party went down, I'll just outsource the whole shebang and attend as a guest.

Start saving now, hubby.

My new favorite picture:

Prepare to see A LOT of this one. Everywhere.

Rachel Says:

Rachel: Where's Grampa?

Mommy: He went to get you guys pizza.

R: He went home?

M: He went to get you guys pizza.

R: Oh. What's for dinner?

~~~~~~

(Semantics for the insane)

Grampa: Rachel, can you please bring Grampa a glass?

Rachel: A cup?

G: Sure.

R: What's a glass? A cup?

Learning as I go...

I'm off to try and figure out how I can make sense of the 8 jillion pictures I took last weekend so I can get them up here. I'm thinking slideshow. I don't know how to do one of those. If you never hear from me again, it's because I had an unresolveable argument with Windows Picturemaker, and I've smashed my computer into gigabits.

Update of sorts:

My supervisor is getting laid off, and job being "absorbed" by other departments. Being that I am her assistant, I don't yet know what this means for me.



I have, however, mastered the art of looking busy.

Friday the 13th - What did I ever do to you?

Well my Friday the 13th sucked the big one, how was yours?

I'd blame this first incident on my own stupidity, but being that it was Friday the 13th, I think I'll blame the day. Makes me feel better that way. I was driving along, rockin' out to the radio, on my lunch break, and was trying to get to this little hole-in-the-wall sushi restaurant to pick up my food. I work in an area that is under some pretty major construction. Anyway, I was TRYING to follow the instructions of the half-witted, disinterested flag girl, honest I was, but somehow, instead of remaining behind the car in front of me, I ended up smack dab in the middle of all the big constuction machine thingies. Driving on the ripped up section of road, with sunburned men in hard hats looking at me like the dumbass I was. Oops. I was embarassed until I remembered the convenient excuse that it was Friday the 13th.

Then I missed my ferry.

THEN when I got to the ferry terminal for a later boat, I remembered they didn't take debit, and I had to drive all the way to the little marketplace which is like an island of it's own in the midst of a sea of cars. After that, I had to go allll the way back to the ticket vestibule driving AGAINST traffic the whole way. Because of this, I almost missed THAT boat too.

I got on the boat, and as any parent travelling with small children, we went to the bathroom. Where I left my purse. My wallet, cash, phone, all our ID, my camera, EVERYTHING. My whole world is in my bag. And I didn't even realize it. Luckily, I got paged to the giftshop (while I was IN the giftshop) because some lovely human being had returned it, completely intact. Whoever you are, you rule.

Then they lost power at the ferry terminal (island side) so we were all stuck on that damn boat, in our car, for an extra hour +.

Next Friday the 13th, I'm staying in bed.

What's your worst story about this day?

On to plan "B"

I didn't get the job.

I'm surprisingly upbeat about it.

This is a good thing.

My company blows.

I'm too good for them!

I'll put in enough time to qualify for the yummy gov't cheese though.

Another random thing that has been irritating me:

(I don't remember who has it, but this blinkee KILLS me)

"Uneducated people do what they are told. Educated people QUESTION what they are told."

Now I'm no CEO, but if I was looking to hire someone, and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I asked them to do something I was met with "Why? Why do you want me to do that? Why is it important? Why does it need to be done that way? Why does it need to be done?" I would go abso-posi-lutely APESHIT. I don't have the time to walk you through every single detail compiled over years of trial, error, and research just because you haven't been there. Just DO it BECAUSE I'M THE BOSS AND I TOLD YOU TO. Intelligence is knowing when to NOT question, but to act.

Same with children. Will anyone think it's sooooo klassy and matoore and edumacated when our little minor children start questioning every little thing we tell them? NO! OBEDIENCE! I'M THE MOMMY - THAT'S WHY!!! Intelligence is knowing who to trust - and trusting someone with more authority and experience who has your best interests at heart.

Sometimes, you have to just accept that there are people out there who are bigger than you, smarter than you, have more information than you, and have done all the research FOR you. There's no need to re-invent the wheel just because you want to try to be all s-m-r-t and arrive at the same damn conclusion for yourself. Question things that are infinite.

Intelligence is knowing your role in the grand scheme of things. If your mechanic tells you to turn your head and cough - question that. If your doctor does it, you're probably good. If your gynecologist does it? You get the point.

Ohh, well, someone told me there was a continent called "Europe", I dunno though, I'll have to verify that for myself. Intelligence is knowing what's questionable. If the mouth is busy questioning, the ears cannot hear to learn.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is; Orders are orders, and ideas are ideas, and nary the twain shall meet. This blinkee is comparing apples to oranges, and it IRKS me. You take orders. You question ideas. You can EXPOUND on orders, but you're best to not question their veracity. It's not usually very smart.

I'd like to edit this blinkee to say, "Narrcissistic people have stupid blinkees that, when taken literally, translate into a bunch of fluffy nonsense in a desperate attempt to make people think they are smarter (better) than they actually are." Or maybe that's too long? Maybe it should just say "I think I'm better than you." Yeah, that should fit.

Educated people would realize how glaringly idiotic this blinkee is.

I feel better now.

VACCINATE

VACCINATE

YOUR DAMN

KIDS

PLEASE.

It's called "Herd Immunity", google it. It's what eradicated polio. Don't remember polio? Little kids in iron lungs? HERD IMMUNITY. Let me put it in stupid people layman's terms: if you innoculate immunize protect all possible hosts people from a certain disease sickness, then the sickness will simply cease to be. It will be "evolved out". It's like playing an active role in natural selection. For the GOOD of ALL MANKIND. So the next time your namby-pamby whiny, ignorant self opts out of giving little Jimmy a widdle bitty needle because it might give him a big bad owwie which results in a big, fat, crocodile tear - I would personally like to thank you for your stellar role in keeping atrocities like measles, mumps, and rubella alive and well in our society.

And don't give me that crap about the preservatives being linked to Autism. Ketchup has been linked to cancer, but I'll bet you still have that in your fridge. There's no proof that child wouldn't be autistic anyway. At least he'll be HEALTHY and autistic. I'll take the autistic kid over the kid with rubella (she'll be the one with all the unexplained miscarriages), mumps (the infertile kid with testicular swelling and inflamed salivary glands), or measles (ahh, popularity in the form of three C's - Cough, Coryza, and Conjunctivitis). Providing, of course, that they're not dead. But hey, beats the hell out of a NEEDLE, no??

If we're not ALL immunized, we might as well none of us do it. Break them up if you must, just do it.

For the sake of society,

VACCINATE

YOUR DAMN

KIDS

PLEASE

All he REALLY wants is the wrapping paper anyway...

Finn's first birthday is coming up, and I am waging an internal battle with myself. Oh how I WANT to spoil him silly, but oh how I REALLY REALLY DO NOT WANT to buy him a bunch of crap that I'm just going to have to pack up and ship a few short months from now. Nor do I particularly want a bunch of crap taking up floor space here when there's barely enough room to sit cross-legged as it is... Thus, the internal battle. What can I get him for his birthday that a.) is shit simple to pack up and transport; and b.) doesn't take up too much space before then - or after, since I have no idea the kind of square footage I'll be moving into on the other end. I keep telling myself that he doesn't care anyway, whatever he gets is going to fall by the wayside while he plays with eats the wrapping paper anyway!

Sigh.

I'm still nursing, maybe I'll just put a ribbon on my boobie and call it a day.

Maybe all his guests should just put ribbons on THEIR boobies too, then I won't have to deal with any other presents I don't have room for.

I dunno, it seems so unfair for him to not get any presents on his very first birthday just because it's too much work for mommy. Any of you want to volunteer to deal with his birthday? You plan it, you host it, you clean up... I'll bring the guest of honour and call it a day. Anyone? Please? For me?

(For those of you who are thicker than a thick bag of thick things, this post is ultimately a very thinly veiled request to NOT bring big obnoxious gifts to Finn's party. I know you love him. Donate to charity, give him a gift certificate to Babies R Us for after we move, or just show up and give him a couple squishes and tell him you love him. For my sanity. You can wrap up an empty box if you'd like, he'll like that just as much and I won't have to buy endless amounts of batteries or listen to the same three-note song repeatedly on and on forever and ever until I go insane. Moreso.)

Finnigan's First Birthday Party:
June 22, 2008
My house
11am till 2
BYOChair!
RSVP here, in person, or by phone.
Invitations to follow, but for the most part - If we're close enough that you know where I live, you're invited.

See you there! I'll be the frazzled one who appears mainly as a blur in the background. That, or the sobbing stressball locked in the bedroom. Either way.

Sincerely,
The Mommy

Lillian Says:

Lillian: Mom, can you please put my shirt into the wetter then into the dryer so I can wear it to Sunday school tomorrow?

Lillian Says:

Lillian: Mommy, when Lice die do they go to Heaven?

Mommy: I... I... Um...

Lillian: Mommy, Lice Heaven is in the garbage.

Mommy: Yes. Yes it is.

I'm sorry, God is out of the office. You want Jesus?

The company I work for is not exactly, erm, overflowing with people who speak-a da englishes.

This is a souce of immense fun for those of us who DO speak-a dem englishes.

We have a man in our ranks whose name is Gord. Gord is a destinctly North-American name, no? However, for certain types who are markedly less "north american", that "r" is such a slippery little bastard. The following are actual excerpts from files I pulled today:

"Attention GOD, your delivery is LATE!!!" (Oh wait, I think I wrote that one towards the end of my first pregancy...)

"Mr. God, please be advised that if these deficiencies are not corrected, we will be forced to take legal action..." Um. Good luck with that.

"...God's vacation request has been denied..." Yeah, for the last TWELVE BILLION YEARS.

"God will be working for Mr. Xxx..." When you say "for", you mean "as lord and master of" right?

*In an email* "God, where the HELL were you yesterday???" I'm sure he gets this a lot.

And my personal favorite, the inter-office Memo:

"Effective immediatly, God (LastName) is no longer employed at Comany XYZ." Oh well, back to "Plan B"...

LICE: Round 1a

(I couldn't put "round 2", because then you might think they'd spread. They haven't, they're just hearty bastards)

Ok, I nit picked Lily for TWO AND A HALF HOURS today. In the brightest sunshine, and then I slathered every single hair on her head with a healthy coat of vaseline (I SO don't have the stomache for more mayonnaise...) and a shower cap. Seriously, I used a bamboo skewer and went through EVERY. SINGLE. HAIR.

ONE. BY. ONE.

I've gone blind, I swear it. I'm typing by feel. (I'm just that awesome)

But as far as I can tell, the lice are gone. For today.

Would it be totally trashy to just dye her hair? Would it even work? A little peroxide can't be GOOD for the little critters...

Gotta go boil my hands, combs, and tweezers... Tomorrow is another day.

Finnigan Says:

Mommy: Finnigan, say "Ma-ma".

Finnigan: Woof.

I'm trying to remember he's just 11 months, three weeks, and one day old (but who's counting?). But seriously, woof? This lip is not gonna fly around here. Enjoy your bottle of COLD milk, you booger.

Logdrivers Waltz

(Thank you nicham!)

Was anyone else forced to watch this every. single. year. in public school? No? Just us Canucks?

For he goes birling down a-down the white water
That's where the log driver learns to step lightly
It's birling down, a-down white water
A log driver's waltz pleases girls completely.

If you pull the wings off a fly, would it be called a "walk"?

Because Lillian just did exactly that. She says it's her pet. Don't we have enough bugs to deal with right now???

Lillian Says:

Lillian: Mommy, when we get home, can we play outside?

Mommy: No Lillian, it's raining too hard.

L: Oh, I forgot.

M: Lily, we're in the car.

It's OK, I give good phone...

Gist of the e-mail Mr. General Manager sent Mr. Island General Manager:

"I have someone looking to move to the island with these qualifications, do you have anything available?"

Gist of the e-mail Mr. IGM replied to Mr. GM:

"We just filled that position, but she's not working out. Luckily, her probation period end coincides with Kira's availability. Call to set up interview.

He's going to call and do an interview over the phone!

So, Mr. GM wasn't just blowing smoke up my ass! Good for ME!

So where's Craft Services?

They're filming a movie here! There was a big shiny black Hummer, and a bunch of guys dressed like a SWAT team, and...

Wait...

There was cameras, right?

Work: Day 3

I was only marginally late today. 10-15 minutes, depending on your clock. However, I worked two hours overtime to make up for yesterday and today. Seems fair to me.

Mrs. Supervisor and I get on fabulously! She hates Miss. NastyPants Biotch as much as I do! And she invented more work for me to do that's NOT FILING!!! Ok, so it's photocopying, but still - IT'S NOT FILING!

But the BEST part of everything is, Mr. General Manager came sniffing around. Mrs. Supervisor put in a GREAT word for me! This means Mr. GM wasn't just blowing smoke up my ass, but this is an ACTUAL opportunity! Ohhh I'm such a bundle of nerves.

Keep your appendages crossed for me (Lol, Teri - you crack me all up) because I can't prove that that's not what's working for me...

Itchy itchy scratchy scratchy, ooh I got one on my Laly...

Lily has LICE.

OH. SHIT.

Lily has:

• Had her hair treated with chemical lice killer gunk.
• Been special tea tree oil shampoo'd.
• Been nit-picked (literally!).
• Been oiled & vinegared.
• Been tea tree oiled.
• Been nit-picked AGAIN.
• Been tea tree oiled AGAIN.
• Been mayonnaised.
• Been sent to bed.

I felt like a chimpanzee sitting there picking bugs out of her hair. No, I didn't eat them. I was trying too hard to not hurl. Blah blah blah, lice like clean hair, I GET IT. Still nasty.

Even more nasty though? Mayonnaise. Especially great gelatinous gobs of it being slathered onto someone's head. I'm throwing up a little just reliving it.

Now off I must go, to put my house in the dryer, high heat, 30 minutes. Hopefully it doesn't shrink...

Things that keep me up at night:

The word "adjective" is a noun. The word "noun" is a noun. The word "verb" is also a noun.




The word "noun" has now lost all meaning...

Oh noes... :(

I was an hour and a half late to work today. I'm SUCH a freaking IDIOT.

Cliche as it may be, it's all because my alarm didn't go off. I can't believe that's actually my justification, it sounds lame even to me. *Hangs head in shame.*

Way to make a good impression on the day Mr. General Manager was supposed to put in a good word for me.

*Tears*

(No word on that yet.)

I'm working overtime tomorrow to make up my missed time.

Boy am I the Jerk Of The World.

Minor update:

I did up a current resume. I sent it to my general manager to be forwarded on to that other general manager. I feel like I'm gonna hurl... Being high-strung AND anxious is a GREAT diet plan.

Are you there God? It's me, on my first day back...

As all you, my faithful readers, know - today was my first day back at work. My heart broke a little bit to leave my baby (I was glad for a break from the other two...) at daycare, but he went off and had a fantastic day without me (bugger). I got to work, and after about an hour of hearing the same refrain, "there's no work, we don't know what to do with you, business is sloooowww..." etc. on and on and on until my ears were bleeding - I had had enough. Off to see the General Manager I went. I was the first to drop the "L" Bomb: Layoff. I basically said that please please pretty please let me get my hours in that I need to claim EI again, and then we can both go on our merry ways. FWIW, I've got at LEAST two months guaranteed filing (gag). I need 5 months to claim EI. Mr. GM looked relieved. Apparently this was his master plan all along. I explained that that would be just ducky by me, because I was planning on moving to the island anyway to be with dear hubby, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over a layoff right at Christmas time (luck of the timings, lol) and he could stop stressing about being the one to "ruin" Christmas for my little family. So at this point I was feeling pretty good. Then we got to talking. See, I had mentioned "The Island". The gears in his head started slowly clunking to life. You see, friends, that it just so happens that my company has an office on The Island. Furthermore, it just so happens that that office "might" have an opening, and it just so happens that that opening is in a position for which I am FULLY qualified AND trained for - within the same company! Mr. General Manager asked me when I could (hypothetically) start there, and we discussed a bit and arrived at July 15th of this year. Sooooo, he's going to talk to the GM of THAT office, and if all the planets are aligned just so, and he's not pulling my leg, and Mr. Island GM likes the sound of my name... Then I could just get transferred there, NOT have to file, WRITE OFF all my moving expenses, BE with hubby, HAVE a job... Basically my life as I know it would just "click". This has never before happened to me. I'm sooooo nervous. Please, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleeeaaasssseeee keep your fingers and toes and eyes and nosehairs crossed for me. I've submitted all necessary paperwork, but I have to hand over a resume. As I don't currently have one of those (being employed, and all) I'll probably be up until the wee hours of the morning getting one perfected. Oh my world I want this so much! I'm pinning all my hopes on it, putting all my eggs in one basket, counting my chickens, betting the farm, using ALL the really bad metaphors I know... This could just be the break I need.

Sorry for the completely scatterbrained post, everyone. I'll add something more coherent as soon as it comes to me.