Friday, 2 May 2008

Things I've Learned About Motherhood:

(Because Tara told me to.)

1.) Achieving motherhood HURTS. Luckily, there are drugs for that.

2.) Motherhood is hard on the body, hard on the pocketbook, and hard on the heart. This is why children are cute. So you forgive them.

3.) Motherhood is the lowest paying job on earth, but has the best benefits. :)

4.) I had no idea what a competition motherhood is. You'd think your main goal as a parent would be to keep your little Mini-Me safe and healthy until they left the nest. Not true. The true goal of parenthood is to make sure your kid has the best stroller/wardrobe/toys/nanny in town. Bonus points if they also have a so-called "designer" name. For example, "Mike" spelled "B-a-9-*" with a silent q and a handful of appostrophies.

5.) Motherhood, loosely translated, means:
Noise. Lots and lots of NOISE.
Dirt. Lots and lots of DIRT.
Never getting to start a conversation.
Never getting to finish a book.
Never getting to enjoy a bath free of rubber ducks and no-slip frogs.
Perpetual stickiness.
Learning all the names/occupations of every princess Disney ever scribbled. Ever.
Speaking in extreme-basic language. Car go. See flower. No no, mommy's pills.
Feeling quite accomplished if you manage to brush both your hair AND your teeth in one day.
Knowing all the employees at McDonalds by first name, and knowing the health status of their extended family.
Memorizing the mL/Lbs dosage chart for infants Tylenol.
Spending more time on your therapist's couch than your own...

6.) Once you've pushed a bowling ball through a garden hose, hearing your husband complain about his poor widdle severed thumb will make you want to slap him. Repeatedly.

7.) With motherhood eventually comes subsription to the belief that a perfectly acceptable lunch is the crusts off your childrens' sandwiches and a few mouthfulls of baby peaches from the bottom of the jar.

8.) Taking small children with you anywhere really ought to make you eligible for a handicapped parking decal.

9.) Fathers are simply the bigger children who never really grow up and move away.

10.) It actually is possible to function on 2 hours of sleep a night. Just don't attempt to operate heavy machinery or talk to anyone who may try to con you into hosting this year's Bake Sale.


Tara said...

I love it! I'm so glad you joined in. :) I'll submit your entry to the contest. I hope you win something!

And I'm totally going to subscribe to your blog. We really are similar. I've never gotten to talk to you much on BBC - we'll have to change that. :)

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! I'm totally with you on the Handicapped parking sticker for women with toddlers - if for no other reason than all the braincells we've lost in childbirth!

Maybe I'll start a petition on my blog - come check it out!

Thanks for the laughs and the sentiments on mommyhood.

Genny said...

Thanks for the laugh! I enjoyed your blog. I have my "What I Know Now" list up too if you want to check it out.